Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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