zippers are such a cool invention
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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