I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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