I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
