i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
