i don't like sucking hair
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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