I can text with my tongue
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
