is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
