What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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