Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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