I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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