I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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