You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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