your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
