Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
