Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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