im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize