what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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