dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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