Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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