ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
