he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm too high and old for this...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
