I hate your face
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
