When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
