"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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