just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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