On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
