are you so shy because you have an std?
Four minutes until I can fart!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
