I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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