Jerry, you need to find god
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
