i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
