i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
