it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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