Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
