So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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