Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
