i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
be right there i have to get my cape
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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