so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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