im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
