Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
