how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Two words: blizzard sex
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
