he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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