i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
