I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
