capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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