I haven't been this sober since birth.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
