I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
