My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
