Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
