What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
