Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
