i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Rumble strips road head = magical
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
