check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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