I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
