Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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