plz talk dirty to me
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
