I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i was born a porn star she said
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
