I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
COCAINE IS GR8
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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