i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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