We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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