He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
