you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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