so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
