Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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