All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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