Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
